Thursday, May 24, 2012 , 2:10 AM
dear you .. i let you ruin my first half year of 2012 , but right now I'm gonna enjoy th remaining days of 2012 .. cause everything ended after 1year 6months . I don't regret knowing you , I don't regret falling for you . all I regretted was not cherishing you when we were still together .. not being able to fulfill my promises to you thn . always causing troubles for you , acting like a small kid . I'm sorry you had to entertain all of my silly and stupid thoughts . well boy , i enjoyed th past 1year and 6months together with you . no regrets .. but please know tht i wont be able to be there for you anymore , like how I use to . so please take good care of yourself alrights . I wish you all th luck with you and your girlf . cause seeing you happy , i guess i'll be happy as well(: we've said to end it happily between us , isn't it ? so please smile more alrights ? you look better when you had tht smile on(: hehh . you know I've love you thn , like how I still love you now .. and probably like I always will . fyi , you're tht best damn thing tht has ever happen to me , sillyboy .
#TwentynineNovemberTwentyten <3
love , me ..
Wednesday, May 23, 2012 , 2:58 AM
it's gonna be 3am soon and everybody in the house is fast asleep while I'm wide awake , with a million things on my mind . sometimes , I spend the night wondering what went wrong . was it something I did or was it just me ? I thought I had done enough , or more than what I should . but I guess , I was wrong . it's never enough . i regretted . i regretted not meaning every single words i had said , breaking my promises , letting you down over and over again , causing you to get so fucked up because of my childish and silly acts , not cherishing every second that I had with you , and lasty , for being such a lousy girlfriend .
We often say that we hate them for breaking our hearts , for being such a douchebag , etc , but truth to be told , we still love them , isn't it ?
Tuesday, May 22, 2012 , 2:49 PM
i've no idea what i'm gonna update about but i just felt like blogging . i guess i always turn to blogging whenever i feel so fucking shitty but i don't know who to confide in . you know sometimes , memories set me thinking .. what if you and i didn't exist in the first place , would i be happy now like how i used to be ? it's somehow contradicting because being together with you was probably the best damn thing that happened to me but somehow ... somehow it became the best fuckin' painful thing when you left me .. You know, I'm starting to have difficulties putting my feelings into words . probably i'm never comfortable about bringing up this issue anymore because I'd heard enough . they claimed that they understand , they thought that it was easy , but in fact , they knew nothing .. nothing at all .. it felt weird . every single time , when I look through our pictures , it felt weird . those pictures contained happy memories , back then . but as I look at them now , every glance brought pain and tears . it was supposed to bring back happy memories of us , but i guess , those were the ones that hurt the most .
Nobody . i'm nobody to post pictures of "us" on my blog anymore . thus , i blurred your face away .. you know what hurt the most ? All this while , i pretended that i was over you , that i hate you , that i'm better off without you . but i'm lying , i'm lying to myself . Because deep down , i know that i still love you .
, 12:59 AM
i always felt like giving up , every single time. nobody really understands the pain i'm going through no matter how hard i try . i wanted someone to understand , so that I know , I'm not alone . going through ALL this shit alone isn't something I can cope . but behind all these , my smile covers everything up . That's right , my smile .
I still cry myself to sleep occasionally , i still have the past stuck in my mind , i still think of you everyday , I still miss you , I still visit your Facebook and breakdown , I still yearn to see you , I still wanna get back with you , I still love you .
I still cry myself to sleep occasionally , i still have the past stuck in my mind , i still think of you everyday , I still miss you , I still visit your Facebook and breakdown , I still yearn to see you , I still wanna get back with you , I still love you .
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' do you know how it feels ? thinking tht you're gradually improving ..
both emotionally and mentally . but thn your heart starts to fuck you up again .
your heart plays with your brain , you feel tht fucking pain .
and thn you just breakdown and find yourself right at where you started from . '
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' i know it gets hard sometimes but i could never leave your side , no matter what i say .
cause if i wanted to go , i would be gone by now .
but i really need you near me to keep my mind off th edge .
if i wanted to leave , i would have left by now .
but you're th only one tht knows me , better thn i know myself . '
, 12:53 AM
just as i thought that my life was getting better , it always have it's own way to fuck me up . i don't know what to feel, nor who to confide in . because really , who understands ? noone . this battle i've been fighting inside of me is slowly breaking me down , i can't take it no more . I'm sick and tired of searching for answers , sick and tired of trying when nobody sees the effort i put in , sick and tired of guessing , sick and tired of pretending , sick and tired of feeling this constant pain that's around for so long , sick and tired of everything . I'm struggling to hold on , but i'm falling deeper into the abyss instead . Sometimes i really do hate my life , i know people would be thinking , "She's just an attention-seeker." "She hates her life because she ain't doing anything about it." But seriously ? Have you ever witnessed how much i struggle just to TRY ? How much i struggle just to win this war tht's inside of me ? how much i struggle just to understand myself ? i had enough of people looking at just the surface . i had enough . Give me a fuckin' break please ..
